The world is incredibly beautiful.
All I want is for everyone else to be able to see that too.
one year ago today
if you asked me where I wanted to be a year in the future, well, back then i wouldnt say here. So much has occurred yet not too much has changed. My hair is lighter, my skin has more freckles and instead of 3 full suitcases, I now only own enough to fill 2 full suitcases. It’s all not bad an it’s all not good.
just as disillusioned and disappointed with the people I know now as I was back then. people deserve the sky and stars but all they ever usually get is small ponds with plain pebbles at the bottom. I have learned better ways to take care of myself that make how I feel harder yet I have also just learned more information - period. that’s only natural.
my gains and losses over the past year? broad. i’ll balance my check book and find more creative ways to make being an opportunist not as exploitive as it really is/as I really am. at least now that I’m 21 I have more avenues to market myself at, which is an awful thing to say but a basic example of justification and coping. for now I’ll enjoy trying a new job and new classes until I revert back to my default setting - what I’m good at - which is marketing/selling/strategizing myself….but in this day and age we all gotta be good at this to some extent! Ayyy!
As summer comes to a closing
I have found myself ending it in a Leonard Cohen mood. Nothing surprises me these days, not beginnings or endings. Each curve ball, while different, is no loger unique. It all just sort of simply is. It is what it is. Everything. People are what they are. I miss getting excited over the possibility of a person being different, but people seem so jaded and predisposed to doing the inevitable: leaving or being left by me.
I miss when I believed in someone like they were the sunrise. I miss that connection, I wonder if anything will ever compare to Nayte, not even people but experiences too. A life with no passionate love is a watered down thing. So is its people. C’est la vie so it goes
So this ill guy sits on my shoulder while I do my makeup in the morning…definitely not my kitten, but he might as well be.
The show in Pomona is sold out and the line up is so good and I have been wanting to see Alex G for years live. ;(
Having friends that are into psychology and also into analyzing you
"Adoring butterflies is a manifestation of your internal deficiency. You let men hold you in their palms, and when they place you in a Jar, screwing the lid, you convince yourself of happiness. Even worse is that afterwards, when they lodged a pin inside you for purposes of display, you find ways to associate it with pleasure."
CLAIRVOYANCE IS A PRETTY WORD. Life recently: as told by pictures…summer fashion, gaining weight and gaining tans and selfies woooooo
"maybe I can get out of this cycle of just living & dying." - important words told to me by an important person around 8 am this past tuesday morning. I am eternally grateful.
I don’t think you can ever know a person completely. The most you can do is be attentive and try to understand their behavior to get a feel for how they act, but behavior can be volatile too. Yesterday night I had an enlightening conversation with a dishwasher about Freud vs. Jung, socialism, and the selfish inclinations that humans innately have. I said it was sad that we are all selfish, that even in our best of intentions, we still maintain some desire for personal gain.
you’ll never truly know anyone, and I think that is beautiful, not sad. It is liberating and celebrates the capacity for infinity in a person’s soul. Nothing is forever. The only promise that holds true no matter what? Change. A human’s only constant.
People seem to always tell me I look like JoJo or Sasha Grey. I don’t know how to feel about either but they’re very beautiful women…so I am honored!
Performers are magicians
You’re not only an actor or musician, you’re a magician
Don’t denounce the mysticism
Of your profession
There is a celestial degree
And required symmetry
For convincing people of make believe
life…as recently told by pictures. three cheers for a summer tan